This year, while thinking about what to write for this post, I felt a little lost.
For the past few years of writing this post around this time of the year, I was always eager to look back to some fond memories throughout the year.
This year is a lil different. I've been staring at the empty draft for this post for a whole 30 minutes now, and all I could think of were the not so happy moments.
I did not want this negativity to engulf me while writing this post, but I hated the thought of putting up a front to write this post even more, so I decided to just be honest, and write down whatever that comes to my mind.
I am currently at my PD home. I took leave since 16th of Dec and I had spent my time just resting. Much needed rest.
2020.. was a year where I spent a lot of my time doing self-reflections. It was extremely far from the "2020's gonna be adventurous!!" expectation that I had in mind, but that was understandable considering COVID-19. I think the whole lockdown thing started around end of February and lasted for around 3-4 months. Just when we thought things would get better from then on, came wave 2 of the lockdown.
Honestly, it wasn't too hard for me to adjust to the mindset of "I am not going to have too much fun this year and I won't be able to go to the places I want to go". I think I am feeling this way because I understood COVID-19 is not something to be taken lightly of.
At the time of writing, the cases in Malaysia is surging rapidly. The government is not imposing a stricter(? - more strict?) lockdown in spite of the upward trend, but at this point, re-introducing a strict lockdown would not make much of a difference anyways. In my IG stories, I see friends going out and about, holding large gatherings, travelling cross states. I guess another lockdown would cost people who are struggling their jobs, people who are rich.. nothing.
I want to go out and party and have fun too, but definitely not now. What I am afraid of is not the contraction of COVID, but the health implications that could occur after recovery.
I guess the more difficult part for me to comprehend was "why are people seemingly enjoying their life, doing whatever they want, meanwhile I am stuck in this race against time".
Breaking that thought into two parts:
1. I spent 3/4 of my daily time working, I barely have time to eat, unwind and get some proper sleep. I'll probably elaborate more on this later, but this situation where I was in is like the incubator for most, if not all the negative thoughts I have for the year.
2. People that I follow on IG/ people that I am friends with on FB are lazing around, playing games, doing online shopping, slacking while working from home, and generally just being able to do whatever they want.
I do know that social media is a facade and that there is always more behind what people want you to see.
It however came to a point where I thought, so what if it is all just for show, it doesn't change the fact that they are indeed relaxing, playing games, doing online shopping, etc. They are doing all these happy things. On the other hand, I longed for just 1-2 hours of me time after work everyday.
I hated myself for not being able to do the things I want to.
This thought sadly still holds true while I am writing this post.
I also find myself not so bubbly this year.. It's as if I have succumbed to the "adulting despair" which I vowed to never fall into.
I know there is nothing wrong with not being okay and I do not have any obligation to be happy all the time.
This lockdown made it difficult for me to hide this side of myself to the people living under the same roof as me. In their efforts of trying to console me, the outcome had always been me reassuring them that I was okay, when I was not.
Being optimistic is, I believe one of my strengths, and I used to be effortlessly optimistic all the time. Seems like this part of me is not functioning too well this year.
Okay.. I didn't expect to this go deep so quick hahaha. Since I am already on the topic of lowlights, for this year's post, I'll start off with some not so happy moments this year, then move on to happy notes, and end this post with some targets for next year.
Work
To sum up the root of all negativity for this year - work.
In 2019, my first year into workforce, I was not given a chance to do the things I wanted to do - development. I honestly felt like looking for opportunities else where, but towards the end of the year, an opportunity came where I could work on code.
You have no idea how much I longed for this chance. Although this chance was not my first choice in terms of area of interest, it was my second option. But I thought to myself: I finally have a chance to develop. I have already wasted one year, I will treasure this opportunity given to me, I don't care if this is not my first option anymore.
In the first quarter of 2020, I was truly happy. I felt so alive doing the things that I like.
My counterparts are all from another side of the world and they would come online 2 hours before we end our working day. As a newbie developer, I stayed until 10pm on average every working day to bombard them with questions.
"Ahh, I am learning so much everyday!", I willingly went to the extra mile just so I could "make up for the time lost" for not doing actual development last year. Soon afterwards, it became hard at times as I would have gastric pain from not eating my dinner on time, and I would have headaches the next day for lack of sleep. I experienced migraines for the first time too. But I was doing what I like, that alone was enough to act as my drive to strive harder.
When a very respectable senior left the company in the second quarter of the year, that was when all year's worth of misery started for me, due to .. sugar coating it would be "miscommunication" among the upper hierarchy, putting it bluntly would be "their ignorance" regarding this matter. Whichever way I put it, I was pushed to take over the tasks and the "legacy" that was left behind.
Unwanted opportunities came rather forcefully when I was far from being prepared. I struggled and worked very very hard to stay afloat. I was drowning.
By then I only had 3-4 months of development experience. My day-to-day soon became 8am-3pm my usual work routine, 3pm-10pm to put on the many hats that the senior had.
The thing is.. I am a fighter. It's not that I am a "kiasu" (people who hate to lose with the perception that it would make them look lesser than they are now), I just don't have it in me to give up. I always believe there is always a way out of things, and as long as I keep pushing, I would eventually see the end of the tunnel.
What I didn't know, was how deadly this combination (fighter spirit + optimism) was to me.
I fought.. for one week.. one month.. two months.....
Around the 5-6 months mark, all the small setbacks and negativity accumulated to this giant ball of anger, frustration and disappointment.. at myself.
Despite my efforts, I felt like I was still not helping the team to my fullest, they could reach higher heights, achieve greater things, if only I am not pulling them down. I already suck at development.. I can't suck at leading the team, I need to get better, why am I so bad at this? Why am I even here..
It was later then, I realized, I was comparing myself to that respectable senior with years and years of experience in what he was doing. I had unknowingly put all the pressure on myself, and constantly putting myself down thinking that I was not even close to what the senior achieved, and I needed to do better.
My self-confidence that was never high to begin with took a huge dip, and I fell into this loop of constantly not self-reflecting anymore, but self-criticizing, unknowingly.
It was much later that I realized I was drowning.
It was my fault no one knew I was struggling, and I reached out for help much later, when I could've gotten help much earlier.
Having reflected this whole sh*t storm.. I figured that the reason why I didn't ask for help earlier was because I didn't know if I can voice up that I am not okay?.. How do you know if you are not okay? I was struggling, but so are other people around me. Should I suck it up and work hard? Everyone else is doing their best.
"Okay, c'mon let's try harder. You can do better than this."
See how deadly is my stupid enthusiasm and optimism?
After speaking to "key people" that could help me with my situation, I got to know that... I wasn't supposed to be the person that is taking over the tasks, and that they had another person in mind to take over.
They had the perception that that person was doing a good job taking over the "legacy".. when they didn't know that the person they had in mind had no involvement in the transition.
The biggest blow?
I am still stuck in this situation after multiple attempts of seeking for help.
The even bigger blow than the biggest one?
All the tasks and scopes that I took over, were not related to development/coding.
I hate needing to work hard on the things I didn't like. Most of all, I hate myself for putting myself in that situation.
How had COVID-19 affected me?
My first instinct was to start the blame game that it was the enabler to me working from home into late hours at night, and basically having no life.
Regardless of COVID or not, I should take control of my life, I shouldn't let myself work almost 18 hours a day, nor should I blame anyone or anything for affecting my own mental health.
While working from home.. as I mentioned before, the people that are living under the same roof as me saw how tired and down I was. At home, I always get questions like "why are you still working?".
When I had sudden calls to attend to during dinner time, and when I walk out of my room after the call is done, the dinner served was already cold, with my sibling whining how it could be eaten hot if it wasn't for me and everyone is hungry because of me, with my parents looking not too happy for having to wait for me to eat, or maybe at the fact that I viewed work > family.
I begged them.. always.. to have meals first without me when situations like that happen..........
A lil while ago when I get to meet my other relatives and they asked me about work,
"Ohh you are working from home, that's nice I envy you, so do you check mails in the morning and just slack through the day, close your laptop at 3pm?"
"You should be grateful you even have a job now"
"Will you have a raise next year?"
It's okay, they don't know better, if it makes them happy to say what they want, I will work harder on blocking the noise out. It's only going to get worse down the road anyways.
Throughout these times when I struggled, Teddy, Julia and Bryan were there for me. I am extremely grateful to them. This year, everyone had to go through many struggles on their own.. but I selfishly bombarded them with all these negativity, and they are still here to stay.
If any of you are reading this: Thank you. Really. Thanks for being there for me. ❤️
A better place
During the last week of November, I woke up to a phone call from my mom at around 8am.
I calmly listened. Checked the clock, and turned off my alarm scheduled to ring at 8.30am.
The usual drill, I turned on my work laptop, and drowned myself in emails.
Soon after, I informed my boss that I would need to go on leave for the next few days and broke the news.. that my grandfather had left us and became an angel last night.
As i typed those exact words, my mind was hazy. I felt the sudden surge of emotions, but I suppressed them all as I had a meeting to attend to in a short while.
My boss did offer to take over the meeting in my place, but I refused as I previously informed that I would be joining the meeting.
When I got into the call, the first few words that I heard from my other colleagues from around the world were "How are you?".
I had always thought that this question was cruel.
Part of why I think adulting is hard, is because adults have the tendency to hide their feelings, failure to which, would give people the impression that they are not professional, highly emotional or childish.
When kids cry, their parents would tend to them and shower them with care and love.
When adults cry? They don't, they can't. Their parents would be worried. People might think they are weak and incapable just from displaying their emotions.
And as if this was not hard enough on adults, among adults themselves, they torture themselves by asking this question, "How are you?"
As a "grown up", what do you do? You'd filter your answer according to different settings.
You might pour your heart out to close friends, fake that you are having the time of your lives to your family, show that you are just living a decent life in front of your colleagues.
That day, that question hit me harder than ever before.
Although I did not turn on my webcam, I smiled brightly, "I’m fine thank you, and yourself?”.
The thought that went through my mind at the time was "They are so friendly, let's try to keep the atmosphere this way".
Until today, I can't forgive myself from smiling and being happy in the call. It's just sick for me to be like that. Who the f acts like this when a relative had just passed on.
.. I was disgusted at myself.
Once I have informed a few other colleagues that I would be away, I went back to my grandparents' house with my mom. My mom insisted on driving.
The only time that I let myself cry, for not longer than 5 minutes, was during the drive to my grandparents' place.
It's already hard on my mom. I have many younger cousins too. I cannot cry, I have to be strong.
I told my mom why I was crying. In the morning on the day of my grandfather's passing, I actually prayed.. that as much as I want my grandfather to be okay, I do not want him to suffer. So if it pains him to stay on, I hope he would be freed, let him be pain free.
My prayers was answered. It was a mixed feeling of feeling apologetic to my grandfather for hoping for this, feeling relieved that he is no longer in pain, feeling bad that my prayers were answered even though I am not religious, and feeling sad.. that we had lost a kind soul, we lost our grandpa.
Also during the drive, my mom told me to go through a few photos of "shou yi" / shroud that my aunt sent. My mom told me she had chosen the one that was gold in colour, and the brightest looking of them all. I joked to my mom that was probably the colour that is the most out of character for grandpa, and asked her the reason behind her choice.
“Because mummy want gong gong (grandpa) to be king in his next life. He will live in a big palace, and have all the riches he wants, he won't need to suffer anymore”
And I thought my heart can not be more broken.
As my mom pulled up the car, the white tent at the front of my grandparents' house had already been set up.
I went in and took a look at grandpa, he looked so skinny, but he was at peace.
The next few days were a little hazy.. and soon after we sent grandpa to his resting place.
My mom didn't take the first week too well, but I am relieved that my mom along with our relatives are slowly having smiles on their faces now.
Okayyyyyy, enough of emo emo stuffsssssss. Let's now talk about some happy notes in 2020.
Highlights of 2020
- KOM 2020 was awesomeeeeee! 😍
- I learnt how to play mah jong during CNY this year! 🀄️
- I got a switch just because of Animal Crossing - investment 🥺
- I moved into a new place (that I rented) ☺️
- Birthday dinner during a work day at HDL 💸
- I started wearing contact lenses 😱
- We went back to Kuantan - Sungai Lembing, Teluk Chempedak, food hunt! 🚙
- Cameron trip with colleagues 👯♀️
Add-on:
Spotted this super cute Rilakkuma bag kyaaaa!
KOM 2020
The most memorable (in a good way) event for the year to me was still our company's Kick off Meeting earlier this year. To summarize, I was the committee for the kick of meeting this year, presented for the first time in front of 200++ people while actually enjoying it, even went as far as to winning the presentaion??? (Omg 😭), dressed up as Mulan for Halloween themed Gala dinner (which everyone thought I was dressed up as a random Japanese girl in yukata), AND I actually won something from lucky draw for the first time in my life - it was a brand new ipad mini 5 GAHHHH
I had so much fun!! 😭✨❤️
Mah jong
This year's CNY was the most productive CNY for me, because my cousins have finally gave in to my pleas and taught me how to play mah jong 😎
Beginner's luck at its finest,
And a few months later, the unbelievable happened. I was playing mah jong with my housemates and I simply blurted out the words "来啊 天湖" (err, open 'cards' straight win, what do you call this in English? Hahhahaa), we couldn't believe our eyes.
* Chinese character typo
The ones that I have covered were replacements for fei (joker)
Everyone went crazy, and I sat there hoping I didn't just use up my whole life worth of luck on this.
Nintendo Switch x Animal Crossing
Yes, I was one of those who got a switch just because of Animal Crossing. And one of those who got the Animal Crossing edition switch.. And one of those who got it when the prices were marked up like mad during the lockdown.
My favourite villagers are Aurora (the penguin) and Maple (the cub) for now, but I honestly love all my villagers (guess I lucked out not having some villagers with not so nice personalities).
Maple bear bear in the same frame as my Rilakkuma flag uwu
Cameron trip with colleagues
I think there were 11 of us who went to Cameron. We went during the time when the daily new COVID cases reported were in single digits/ less than 20 ish.
This trip along with the Kuantan trip were the only two getaways that I went on for this year.
Upon reaching Cameron, we actually went straight to a car workshop to change my brake pad as it was making a screeching noise that was hella loud when the brake was applied. It was also hella jam, not as cold as I thought it would be, but was still very fun getaway hehhe ❤️
A few of us actually stayed up till 2-3am ish, drinking and talking, unaware that the whole Airbnb unit was NOT soundproofed, so we actually kept the rest of the pack awake until that time too... I feel so baddddd!!! 😭
My bae was with us
Teddy could never 😂
I was wearing contacts! 🙈
The rest of the points mentioned were self-explanatory, so I will jump into checking the targets set for myself last year 😂
Have I achieved my goals for 2020?
Let's see..
1) Spend more quality time with the people I love and myself ✅
A bit on the fence, but I would say it's a yes.
This lockdown allowed me to work from home from my home home, so I got to spent wayyyy more time with mama and family at home!
I also spent some time with my close friends whenever I could, and I have definitely took more time for myself (wouldn't consider self-criticizing quality time hahaha). Out of my all year long self-reflections, although I still don't really have a concrete idea on what I want to achieve ultimately (in life), at least I have some clues to start off with.
2) Pursue my interest at work and willingly go for the extra mile ✅❌
A yes and a no, hence the tick and cross hahaha.
I did pursue my interest at work (40-50% of the time) and there were instances where I went for the extra mile willingly (like 10% of the time hahah).
Most instances, I was not doing stuffs related to development, and I overworked myself for the sake of completing some tasks.
3) Learn and experiment at least 30 new dishes ✅
I did not actually count how many new recipes have I tried out, but while working from home (not home home coz my mom is the one cooking all the time), I did cook a lot of new dishes, so checked! I still really enjoy cooking (not for other people coz I feel pressured hahaha) 💕
4) Read at least 20 books ❌😂
Epic fail. Gdi I really could've squeezed time no matter how busy I was for this hahahah. I should probably tone down the quantity just so I don't overwhelm myself and trick my mind into thinking "ayy impossible gurl" even before trying.
5) Bring family for a trip ❌😭
Failed for obvious reasons, but although I wasn't the one who "brought" my family on a trip, we went to Kuantan together, this still doesn't count tho coz it's not on my accord hahahah
6) Keep up the momentum: Exercise 2-3 times a week, eat healthily, self-care ❌🥺
.... I am not sure if I walked for 2 hours in total in a week while working from home.
I felt like my body aged, the cracks and the pain omg. I'm too young for this.
7) Be stronger mentally and physically + Be happy ❌🤯
I found myself being at my most unstable state yet this year, so in a way a proof that I am mentally not as strong as I thought I was.
The "be happy" part got me thinking and ponder for a very very long time. This year, my source of happiness comes from the fact that the people that I care are healthy and safe. So yes I am happy, but I could be happier. I'm constantly tapping into myself asking what would make me happier too.
Goals for 2021~
I dreaded coming up with New Year's resolution this time round hahhaa, mostly because my state of mind now is not really organized to come up with proper plans 🥺 So again I'll go with the first few things that I could think of now.
I'm coming up with a hierarchy this time to group similar points under one umbrella.
1. Be stronger mentally and physically + Be happy
Actually recycling my goals? Hahaha, but I consider this as something that needs to be worked on urgently.
Physical aspect: Exercise at least twice a week
I don't really know how I could quantify the mental health aspect of things.. but it would be great if I have lesser mental breakdowns and the feeling of being overwhelmed negatively. Let's.. try to make it so that I have mental breakdown only once in two weeks, think I can do it?
To achieve this, I would most likely need to do something about my long working hours schedule.
- I should spend most of my time doing development
- I should get off work on time, limiting OT to twice a week
Those are.. very ambitious goals, but I'll attempt to make them work.
I have a whole life ahead of me, and I hate the thought that I am practically married to my work.
2. Generate more income
Two approaches to go about this, multiple ways to achieve this:
- Increase my hourly rate.
- "Recycle" my one-time effort so that it can be sold multiple times.
^ Am I making sense? I'll edit this part if I could think of a better way of phrasing this T_T
Why do I wanna do this? Hmm, as a small step towards financial freedom?
3. Invest
I am coming from two different aspects: investing in myself, and investing in stocks.
- Invest in myself
Learn from courses, read more books (let's set it as 5 to begin with hahaha).
- Invest in stocks
Wokie! Sticking to three major goals, let's see if this method of setting New Year's resolution works better for me.
There are already predictions and speculations that 2021 would be even tougher, but here's hoping that everyone is safe, healthy and happy in 2021.
Take care and stay safe ❤️
xoxo
