For some reason, the second half of my 4th semester in Taylor's had been a tough journey. I just finished finals 2 days ago and it's my first time feeling so confused and clueless about what to do in the break. Normally, I would've had a long list of the things to do once I've finished my exams, but this time round, there's nothing. Nothing exciting pops up except for the urgent need to go to Karaoke straight after finals -- which I did, with my friends hehe <3 But now, not even Korean drama nor games excite me. I'm just so, so tired. 

I've no idea why I was so stressed out for finals this time round. Things just doesn't seem to fall into place. I was revising so so hard, only to have a high fever on the first day of finals itself. The electricity went off on the second day of my finals. My bedroom light spoilt on the second last day of finals, powerbank too. But all these didn't really strike me as something awful, I laughed it off. 

The thing that probably drained me to the core, was the issue with people, revolving those who I care cared for. I'm mentally drained. People say I have a kind heart, but the truth is, I really don't. Because if I do have the heart of an angel, why didn't I help out people when I know they really need my help? Why would I refuse to open my WhatsApp, fearing to see their messages or to reply those people who needed me. 

"It isn't your fault", "You're feeling this way because you were too kind to them". 

To those who sticked with me through this for the past month, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. And I'm sorry, despite all these kind words that you've said to me, I never once thought I'm not guilty. 

There must be so much that you did to someone, till they reach to a point where that someone, who once genuinely wanted to be friends with you for a very, very long time want to hurt you now. I find this side of myself scary. At that point when I realized that I was indeed used by you, being treated as nothing more but a mere tool, something in me snapped. I wanted to say mean things to you, I wanted to call you up and trash you and coolly seclude you out from the rest of my life. 

I meant those mean things that I wanted to say, and I intend to never talk with you anymore because I deem you as someone toxic. And because of this, I find myself scary. I don't even know who I am anymore. 

People say "Don't talk about someone, talk to that someone". 

I'm glad I blasted off all those things that I wanted to say, my dissatisfaction and most of the things I've kept bottled up in me for the longest time. Minus the part where I would hurt him because stupidly, I don't want to hurt him for real. 

Yet at the same time, I regretted ever telling you all my concerns. What did I get in return?

Utter. Bullshit. 

If there ever was something to award you for, is for how well of a bastard you are. 

You are smart, I won't deny that. But using that brain of yours to manipulate someone you claim you care for? Screw off. I'm simple, but I'm not easy. 

But.. Is it wrong for me to still hope he's doing well for whatever nonsense he's up to? ... 

I truly hope Shu En in the next semester would get her senses together and learn to toughen up. Stop whining, stop crying. Just ignore those that you know they are using you. Learn to say no. Stop effing apologizing. You know you can read people, cross them out once you know they aren't of good intentions, what is so freaking hard about that huh??

Smile, because crying makes you look uglier than you already are.