What was I up to lately
1/18/2016 07:19:00 AM |
| Image source: here |
Firstly, of course, I had been slacking 90% of the time ever since I've finished my SACE/ SAM exam. This post is kinda about what that 10% is, with a lot of rants too.
I was and I am always grateful for what I had and have in life, that includes having a loving family. But lately, I had been forcing laughters in front of a few of my family members. I'll come back to this later.
I guess some of my friends are curious as to what am I planning to study, at which uni, which intake and so on. I never stopped thinking about this since mid-november. And I could say I'm mentally drained.
To be honest, after form 5, I sort of have a very very vague idea of studying something related to IT. But there were a few problems and concerns I had that time. For example, what if I went straight to foundation or degree and end up having no interest in it? Do I really want to do something that's not bio or chemistry related anymore? Law maybe? There are like IT, computer science and software engineering, what the heck are the differences?
AND the final touch that blew off my idea of pursuing foundation or diploma in IT is because of a few of my relatives find it "wasteful" to just go into IT fields, with my results.
Now, let me clarify something. I absolutely do not have very very good results like people assume, or at least what my relatives think. They only think I'm a genius because no one in my one side of family scored what I scored. I am not being boastful or arrogant here. Secondly, I certainly do not think it's wasteful to go after what my heart seeks. It was just that I myself wasn't sure whether I would regret for giving up bio and chemis, that's why I listened to them and took SAM instead. Thirdly, I do not look down on IT as a course and as a whole.
The biggest problem was I wasn't exposed to any courses or basic coding knowledge before so I wasn't sure if IT suits me.
But after taking SAM, after knowing that my feelings for biology and chemistry is pure hatred and nothing else ( I did enjoy a bit la, not exactly so so so torturing), I gave up the idea of taking doctrate, medicine and law. And that is when all hell breaks in.
When I told my relatives I didn't want to study those 3 courses, they started shaking heads and keep pouring in their own 2 cents of disagreement, in attempt to change my already-made-up mind. Again, they find it absurd for me not to take either of those 3 courses SIMPLY because they wanted me to become either one of those three. It was their dream all along not mine.
I had been pouring out my problems to a few of my friends. But I know that I still couldn't solve anything by doing so because the solution is simple, yet I can't do it well. I told them my zero interests in all three and tried all sorts of things to made them stop their convincing, I even threw in statistics and told them the employments rates based on what when where.
It became worse when I told them I want to study software engineering. They literally gasped in displeasure, saying what a "waste of talent" to pursue "something like IT".
I just snapped at that point. There was a strong burning fire of anger in me, yet all I could do is smile bitterly, hoping they would just leave me alone already.
Why, why can't they understand? Studying science stream doesn't mean you're superior to those studying arts. Getting above average results doesn't mean you have to be what every asian kids were told to become. Being a lawyer, doctor and pharmacy, yes I acknowledge it is a very professional job and it isn't easy, but what is the bloody point if I have no interest in it? What the flipping heck is wrong with studying IT? You can create wonders with IT, why the denial?
Some suggested to just ignore what my family members said. But I hope all of them would one day, support me wholeheartedly and see me grow, hopefully, from insignificant to someone who can contribute to the society. I love them, I really do, for taking care and watching over me all these years and this commitment is something I can't repay. But all these questions they bombard me is just sickening.
It's called "advice" if someone is in a state of confusion and seek for more information. It becomes "mental abuse" if you repeatedly, not once or twice but 97683451 times trying to force your ideals, wish and fulfillment onto someone who clearly made up her mind and repeatedly insist to pursue something else that she wants.
I know at this point, some of you may think this post is extremely childish. Like this ungrateful bastard keeps bitching about how she can further her studies and how she had the privilege to study medic or doctrate but chooses not to and rants on social media.
If it annoys you or hurt you in any form, I sincerely apologize. But this blog, is my diary. By blogging, I could let out the troubles in my mind. If the content makes you uncomfortable, click on the small cross on the right of the tab. I'm sorry.
Choosing a university.
I've given a lot, a lot, a lot of thought on this. I bet most people did.
Since form 5, as I did not know what I want to do after SPM, I only had one goal, that is to score well enough to be entitled for a big amount of scholarship. I had that same goal during SAM. Knowing that you'll at least need ATAR 90 or 95 to apply for scholarship, I worked my ass off.
But it pains me, that even though after working so hard, being entitled to get quite a sum of scholarship from many Australian universities, the tuition fee is still too much for my family to handle. I absolutely DO NOT resent my parents in anyway. I know it costs a lot and it is not easy to earn that huge sum of money. I am just frustrated because I thought of this: Is this what I can get after working so hard? Really?
What I'm trying to deliver is, to all PR or consultants or university agents, PLEASE tell the truth to the students and do not give them false hopes. I was told repeatedly getting ATAR 95 means I have a chance of covering 70%-80% of the tuition fees. I wasn't told by the same person, but a few, the same thing.
What happens if you convince them with all sorts of sweet lies and sugar coated temptations to take that particular course just so you can suck their money? This. This devastated undergraduate that gave her all to achieve something, but failed to see a glimpse of what was promised at first.
I was mad. I am mad. I do not know who to be mad of. My stupidity for trusting those lies? My idiocy for not fully knowing what I signed up for beforehand? Now, I am mad at myself for not obtaining the perfect score.
What's more frustrating? Seeing someone who slacked off and only manage to pass flies to your dream country to study just because that person could afford to, even without scholarships. (Definitely not referring to anyone in my course last year)
I always believed that this world is unfair only if I made it so. Therefore, I choose to try my very best to succeed locally. It doesn't matter where am I anymore. As long as I have the will to give my best shot, I will not lose hope.
Even after contemplating to this very day, as I'm typing this blog, considering all sorts of factors from the facilities to the course structure to the university partnerships in that particular field, I have more or less come to a decision as to where to study.
And my choice, again, was knocked out by thundering voices of disapproval. I'll tell you exactly what they told me. After visiting the campus ONCE, they came to this conclusion:
A school that does not look like a school, more like a hotel filled with improper students and stuck up staffs with a very bad aura with the whole environment. This is a bad omen.
Speechless? Try putting yourself in my shoes.
Fortunately, I have a very understanding and supportive dad. I find the courage and hope again to chase after what I really seek, despite the spiteful remarks from some of my other loved ones.
It has almost been 3 months now, waking up thinking whether should I really just take law or medicine so that I won't ever have to see them frown to me again, thinking what if I don't succeed after studying IT. All these WHAT IFs, are haunting me. Until now, my relatives couldn't understand why I am so "rebellious" and seemingly disobeying their thoughts continuously on purpose.
When will the curtains fall on this matter? I wonder.
When will I find true happiness in what I choose? I dare not to wonder.
From,
a devastated and hopeless uni-student-to-be.
2 comments
Great post. People shouldn't criticize or judge others based on what they're doing. I'm sure all STEM, Commerce, and Art fields have their own merits.
ReplyDeleteExactly. I do hope that these stereotypes will cease to exist in the future. Thank you for reading! :D
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