I felt bad for breaking my annual streak last year of not upholding this sacred ritual of yearly reflections (I was at Taiwan for year-end countdown at Taipei 101) so here I am now, not to redeem myself but to make sure that I don't live with the same guilt the next year 😂
I remember dreading the thought of entering 2023 last year. In December 2022, I signed the offer letter from a company in KL, when I really wanted to go to Singapore with Teddy. It would be my first time switching companies, and my first time taking on the role of a Product Owner, in an industry that I wasn't familiar with at all. I wasn't too ready to face all these challenges amidst LDR, hence why I thought 2023 might be one of the most challenging year yet, even though I acknowledge that one will never be "ready".
Now looking back, I actually very much enjoyed most of the things I've gone through the past year. It definitely wasn't a year filled with sadness and loneliness as I initially imagined, quite the contrary in fact.
Shaking things up a bit this year by starting off with an overview of where I see myself today. This snapshot of my current position might help me in connecting the dots between the events that have brought me to this point, rather than merely recounting the happenings throughout the year.
Reflecting 2023
My honest ratings for myself
- Growth: 8/10
- Career: 8/10
- Body: 8/10
- Mind: 7/10
- Romance: 6/10
- Friends: 5/10
- Family: 3/10
- Finance: 2/10
- Joy: 8.5/10
Mind
Same crap, another year, but there's improvement.
I'm reading my old entry from 2021, and I'm chuckling thinking to myself the mental struggle I had back then still remains - the constant thought of not having enough time to do the things that I want to.
I always have this ever-growing list of things that I wish to do. I'd think of something new every now and then and pounce on the idea, and it usually doesn't last long before I'm back at ground zero.
The difference I'd say, between the 2021 me and the me now, would be the perception towards this challenge of mine. Back then, I seemed to have been very frustrated at myself for allowing this to happen, I was putting myself into this spiral of self-sabotage and self-blame.
Now, instead of being so hard on myself (nothing good comes out of it anyways), I think I kinda applied what I've learnt in my new job to my personal life, with prioritisation (daily responsibilities as a product owner) being the key differentiator.
In 2021, I wanted to accomplish every damn thing on that long list to-do list that I've set for myself; whereas in 2023, I wanted to not screw up at work, consistently exercise, while working on a specific list of side hobbies/projects. With prioritisation comes clarity, and this clarity, I thought, probably allowed me to make good use of whatever spare time I get, consistently working towards these small goals, instead of committing time to just about anything I can think of.
I rated this as a 7/10 still as there were still days where I caught myself stressing myself out for no apparent reason. There were some invisible deadlines that I had to meet (like posting X content on day Y on platform Z) when really, it wouldn't kill me if I delayed this.
I hope to work towards acknowledging and fully accepting that I can prolly only accomplish this much with the limited time I have after working hours (minus the many sports and hobbies I also want to do), and that it's alright if I take a little longer to get there. I should cut myself some slack as long I am consistently working towards the goal I've set for myself.
Personal development
I understood the joy and importance of me time this year. Staying in a huge unit alone, I had the luxury to unwind and focus on things that mattered to me when I wasn't at work. Cooking had always been a way for me to destress so getting to do this more often after work is therapeutic (minus the part where I had to wash dishes). Getting to different places to try new things (pilates at different studios, hot Zumba?, rhythm boxing) and going to new places alone wasn't as intimidating as I thought.
I still cried when I spotted huge-ass roaches in my house after killing them for 3-4 days consecutively with no one to save me, I guess I'll never get used to this. But I guess part of living alone and being independent is to acknowledge the many shortcomings I still have, and still having the courage to face responsibilities alone.
I finally started on two things that I've always wanted to try (out of the very long personal to-do projects I have), which is selling digital journal templates and my own YouTube channel. I attribute the "success" on getting started and finally putting something out there to a few lifeless and sleep-deprived weeks.
I'm still a far cry from the initial "success" I had in mind when I started both these projects. I might be closing down the online store where I'm selling the digital journal templates very soon, but I see this still as a successful venture as I've learnt something from the process. YouTube was and is, to me still a space where I get to document and share my life, so that I can revisit this memories fondly in the future, the fact that I've posted something out there, is a success story.
I've also learnt quite a great deal from my colleagues from my new company that greatly impacted my personal life. I can still smile and crack a joke when faced with very stressful situations. Doing weekly recaps of what was done and highlighting challenges faced gives a clear picture on what has been accomplished by the team. Celebrating small wins are important to keep spirits high and make work genuinely fun. I can actually multi-task (Even though I'd prefer not to do it)?
My attention span wasn't as short as I thought, I can and would focus on work for hours and even forgot that I've yet to drink a sip of water or even visit the toilet once (not healthy). And through the very occasional demanding nature of my work, I realised that I'm capable of doing much more.
Heck, I even learnt photography skills a colleague and probably even improved my singing by frequenting karaoke with my colleagues hahahaha.
It made me think that I can actually achieve so much more, even when I'm left with a couple of hours a day after a long day at work, that I have what it takes in me to do what needs to be done if I set my mind in the right space.
I'm glad I get to focus on self-growth this year, and I'm looking forward for what's in plan next year.
Career
Entering 2023, I was very concerned if I could do a good job as a Product Owner.
There's definitely a lot of room for me to grow, but I don't think that I'm doing too bad of a job in it hahaha.
The role proved to be as challenging as I had anticipated, but much, much more fulfilling that I thought. It could be the bunch of colleagues that I am surrounded with at work. With them, work genuinely feels fun. I don't fear challenges as I know I can get any form of support from any of my team members. There's so much laughter that goes into each working day, despite us being in a rather stressful banking industry. I've mentioned a few learnings in my earlier paragraph on personal development, so I'll stop singing praises for my new bunch of colleagues hahahaha.
Another reason why I thought I'm enjoying the Product Owner role is due to the nature of work. Previously as a developer, I had more or less a fixed routine on coding, getting PRs reviewed, attending scrum ceremonies, and fix a never-ending list of bugs. As a PO... I don't think there's a set routine to follow, or maybe there is one and I'm doing this completely wrong.
I'm someone that likes to move about and try out new things after a certain period of time. My work history of switching between software domains (mobile to backend) to languages (Kotlin, Java, Swift) can attest to that. Thus, being a PO now prolly satisfies this urge of mine on a daily basis, there's never a dull moment, though there were days that introvert me will question my choice of being a PO.
Something that I should work on, would be to help people see the light and to be patient. I realise that I may have set a high standard when it comes to work, but I shouldn't force the same expectations on people if we don't meet eye to eye. I'm (still) learning to be patient and nice to people, also to be sincere and not serious.
I'll be brutally honest with myself next year when comes time to evaluate myself next year.
Physical Health
I'm glad I didn't slack on exercising despite my (self-inflicted) demanding work and personal schedules. I attribute this discipline to the expensive credits package that I've paid that came with an expiry date. -.-
My exercise routine for the past year had mostly been dance class + pilates during the weekdays and any random exercise during the weekends, so I'm religiously clocking in 2-3 times of exercising every week.
On many days, I still dread going for classes for a thousand different reasons, but I'm glad I made it this far by only skipping at most 3-4 times for the wholeee year.
Apart from not wanting to gain weight and having a physique that would make me more confident, I find that I can sleep better and have a clearer mind when I do exercise. I'll probably try to pick up swimming and cycling (for real) next year so I get to expand my exercise options as well (Gym remains as my least favourite option despite its many benefits).
Relationships
Romance
I thought LDR would break me, but it turned out to be alright. There were of course, times where distance made things a little difficult, but this year, with the both us being so busy at work, we understood and respected each other's personal space, and just carried on with life.
I think we were both restraining our urge and longing for one another. For instance, I wouldn't research any nice cafe or restaurants to try anymore, knowing that Teddy isn't here to try them out with me (doe I am fully aware I always have the option to go with friends/colleague/myself).
I still don't think I'm a great partner, I get frustrated too frequently, and I should learn to be more patient when communicating and to work out our differences.
Teddy if you're reading this, thank you as always, and I'll strive to be better.
Friends
Friendship imo, doesn't require frequent meet-ups for "maintenance". We can be apart for the longest time, not talking for sometimes, months, but we know that we still have each other occasionally in our minds. And when we do meet-up, all hell breaks loose and we'll be the craziest, most authentic selves with each other.
I shouldn't be using my "busy schedule" as an excuse, I'd want to be there for any of my friends when they need me; but I'm past the phase where I need to justify myself for doing XYZ in order for someone to continue liking me.
I remember reading a book that mentioned there'd be many people that come and go in our lives in our 20s, and we'd realise eventually that quality > quantity. Guess I'm currently in this phase, even though I'm not too sure why am I thinking this way?
Family
I haven't been the nicest to my family either. I don't recall going back to my hometown for more than 7 times a year despite the short distance. My parents would visit me despite them being busy as well, but I'd let my old habits of being stubborn to a fault in front of my family members, when I didn't have any ill intentions.
I've hurt them, greatly as they mentioned during our recent argument, and I can't seem to get to them that I too, was hurt. I wouldn't ever let any argument continue to the next day if it's in my control, but this time round, it felt like everything was resolved on the surface, but I just.. couldn't.. genuinely feel and act the same way I used to.
I can't freely be myself anymore in front of my parents, not worrying if I've accidentally said something wrong, or "egoistic" or hurtful. I am still expected to lighten up the atmosphere when we meet, and to be forgiving when they've done something hurtful.
I'm hoping time will heal.
Financial stress?
Uhm okay, I think I did the worst financially this past year hahaha.
- I haven't been investing (even though imo now should be a good time to)
- The food options where my office at is ridiculously expensive (I tried cooking after work/over the weekends in hopes to save some money)
- My rental is more than 25% of my salary hello (The very next day after signing the rental contract at my current place, my brother decided he'd take up another job offer and wouldn't be staying with me. The landlord and house agent said I would have to forfeit my deposit of over RM4000 if I decide not to stay there. I'm paying an absurd amount of money on a 1.3k sqft unit that's too big for one person to stay. Fun times)
- I haven't been saving enough (exactly how was I able to travel up so frequently again hahahah)
- When I spend, I really burn a hole in my wallet (I only ever bought from taobao once this year, and I don't really buy random things from Shopee/Lazada anymore, BUT I did spend almost RM12k on my lasik surgery, and another RM10k on MLTA for house insurance.. welp)
I'll put finances as the top priority to work on next year.
What I've enjoyed in 2023
Some of these are a recap of what I've mentioned
- Being alone
- My new role being a Product Owner
- Learning from my colleagues from my new company
- The many travels
- Kicking-off the year with a bang at Taipei
- Visits to Singapore - First concert with Teddy
- Longest trip every in my life - 12 days in Japan
- Doing Lasik!!
- Starting some new things I've always wanted to try
- Digital journal and Youtube
- Exercising consistently
My overall joy meter for the year is a 8.5/10, hahaha.
What I look forward to in 2024
If there's one word I'd like myself to focus on for the next year, it would be "consistency".
Potential list of things that I might do:
- Travelling to LA, potentially Spain and Australia
- Going to a few concerts (IVE, Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift concerts confirmed 💸)
- Growing my socials and see where it brings me
- Working on a new side project
To a new year filled with fulfilling challenges, more joy and prosperity.
Happy 2024, take care and stay safe!
May all our wishes come true 💫
xoxo
