2021, the year where everyone thought COVID would be under control and we would all resume our pre-COVID lifestyles. At the time of writing, we're still a far cry from being able to travel anywhere freely, but the situation has indeed gotten a little better from a few months ago. I stopped hoping that the whole situation would get better soon, but I still hope that the people I care about would be safe and healthy.

Personally, I find that my 2021 was generally way better than 2020. I am mentally and physically happier, and healthier~

If I can sum up my 2021 in one word, it would be "experimental", a year of many firsts. Second to that would be "reflection". 

This year, I spent a lot of time trying out new things, finding out new interests and potential sources for my side income (which I have always done, but this year I was way more aggressive 😂). I also reflected more, did more regular check-ins to review what worked and what didn't, to prioritise the things that I want to do and to force myself to be on track to the goals that I have set for myself. 

On the note of many firsts, this year is the first in many years (or even ever) that I did not post this blogpost on the 31st of Dec. I was in Malacca with my housemates and colleagues, and the week before that, a series of events and just one day in between to recuperate (more on this in a while). I'm a little sad that I didn't uphold the ritual in 2021, but I'm also kinda relieved that I didn't spend the last day of the year 2021 locking myself up in my room, churning out contents for this blogpost while ignoring Teddy and family members until dinner 😂

Following last year's blogpost sequence, I'll start from some lowlights of the year, followed by recap, highlights, and goals for next year. 

Lowlights of 2021 

Surprisingly, I honestly can't think of anything. Surprising in the sense that I felt like 2021 was just okay, but at the same time, unlike last year where I can directly pinpoint all unhappy moments of the year, this year, nothing comes to my mind when I'm thinking what didn't go too well, so I'll take this as an indication that 2021 had indeed been a happier year for me!❤️ 

It might be because I'm writing this post after all the fun and adventurous events for the past week (I took leave starting from the second half of 21st of December and it has been jam packed with events ever since 😂). 

If I have to write something (not sure why am I feeling obliged to do so when this is my blogpost and there's prolly no one reading this), it would be this constant feeling of not having enough time to do the things I want to and this constant stress that follows. 

If I am still (eg. when in transport from one place to another) or not doing something productive, I get very paranoid. I hate the feeling of letting time just slip through my fingers. I need to constantly be doing things, productive things to be exact. And if I don't, I would deem that day unproductive, and I won't be too happy with myself for the whole day. 

Worse still, I find myself sometimes not genuinely enjoying having conversations with people. I don't enjoy "empty" conversations, gossips are baseless and a waste of time. 

I am not too good at handling this side of me, this agitated self. My parents and Teddy are always the victim to this and I feel so apologetic. It's very obvious to them, and maybe even to some of my closer friends that I am in this constant need to be rushing, hustling. 

I became this selfish, no chill, emotionally unstable bomb that's very annoying to be around with. 

Exactly what am I rushing for? Why am I in a rush? What's my definition of being productive? And why do I not let myself rest a little more, a little longer? 

I have been completely aware of this, yet I am not actively doing something to make a change. Deep down, I have answers to the questions above, and I know why I am acting this way. I want to hide this side of me from everyone else, I don't want any of my friends/family to feel distanced from me or that I am too boring/ too "ahead"/too serious to hang out with, so I continued on doing the things I normally do in the past, but what I really want to be doing is something else, my own things. 

This back and forth is also very slowly taking a toll on me. I want more alone time so that I can focus on the things I want to do, but I can't say no to certain friends' outing invitations even when I really don't feel like it. And I try to justify/rationalize this by brainwashing myself that I need to be acting my age cuz I'm still 24, the age when I should still be goofing around (actually, not really, no). 

But of course, these doesn't apply to the ones I genuinely enjoy their company. With them, conversations don't need to be serious, I don't need to be doing productive things, I can be myself, and I recharge my happiness meter when I'm with them. 

..Contradicting, confusing, yes. I question myself forever too. 

Does that mean it's time for me to drop or distance myself not meaningful (enough) friendships? No, I don't have it in me to do this. And I still think I should go out and party more while I can, even when I know I will curse myself out for not working on the things I really want to be doing at the end of the day. So I guess I will live with this contradiction until I know how to balance this. 

But I really need to stop this toxic thought of "do something productive or you're wasting time!", if not for myself, for the ones who care about me. If I find it hard, I should at least tell my brain to chill the f out when I'm resting, or just sleep an hour more. I should stop pushing myself too hard - but even while I am typing this, I know I will continue to chiong regardless of my wellbeing HAHAHA. Okay Shu En, at least not make it so obvious and make friends/family worry okay? 

Moving on to the next section - all the fun things I did for the year! 

The many firsts in my life 

All in 2021

1. Having shots HAHHAHA 🍻

In March, when I was back in town, we went to a bar for the first time after 932478 days since lockdown. At Tavern 13, I finally got to try shots for the first time! HAHHA It was really fun! 😝

Fact Checking 

1. Be stronger mentally and physically + Be happy ✅

Goals for 2022